Why Guys Don't Get It- And Women Don't Either

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It was all going so well...


He was so attentive, so handsome, so perfect.
She was so adoring, so lovely.

She was already beginning to imagine the perfect life she was going to lead with him. It would be an endless round of balls and soirees, they would tour about visiting friends, perhaps abroad. And there would be a magnificent house, fine linens and imported china. And she'd have a family of beautiful girls and handsome boys, and he would be an adoring, attentive father.

He had already checked out her stunning figure, corsets and panniers notwithstanding, and by the time his gaze finally reached her face he was already imagining having her in his bed. Her marvelous assets did not end there, of course, and he had reached the stage where he knew she brought good family connections and dowry, would bear sons of fine quality to inherit his title and fortune, and her able skills would manage his household and social life while he was away on more important matters. By now, he could hardly keep his eyes, not to mention his hands, off her.

But then she did something so utterly female. Something any woman would understand.

I love this lithograph, AB Wenzell's The First Spat, from 1899. The body language says it all. Although I think it helps that she has a great corset, it's obvious she is defending herself well, despite his authoritarian stance. It's just as clear he sees her as the one at fault and it's his job to bring her into line.

Or maybe he was the one who did something utterly, clumsily male. From the look on his face in this engraving (sorry, I don't know the artist), I'll bet he has no idea what it was, or at least why it upset her.



Male-to-female mis-comprehension shown at its best. I say "mis-comprehension" even though I know it's not a real word because that's what it ought to be called. These pictures may belong to another century and have that era's markings in its dress, culture and manners, but they portray a never-ending conflict.

Men are different. It's not just that they love all those phallic symbol weapons- although it's clear they do. They both think and act differently from women.
Their brains have different wiring.

This last weekend I had the privilege of hearing an excellent speaker, Cassiel Knight , who talked about body language and how our bodies express what we're thinking even better than our words do. This isn't news to me or probably not to most romance authors, but she covered a lot of ground including some new information on the way men and women think differently.

Most of us won't deny that men tend to be more aggressive than women- although women are definitely learning not to be as passive as they used to be. But that's only the most obvious difference. Where we run into trouble in relationships is often in dealing with body language.

Joseph Christian Leyendecker's painting, Cu Chulainn, just about oozes testosterone. But it also portrays the difference between battle stance and comrade stance. His comrade stands by his side, while they ride together to face the enemy head-on. Men interacting with other men as co-workers or friends tend to not quite face each other directly. They will tend to put up non-confrontational body language when forced into such a position. This is also a leader-to-follower position, though, so it has to be interpreted carefully.

Women tend to face each other when interacting. One reason I'm showing you this painting called the Bower Meadow by Dante Gabriel Rosetti is that there seems to be something a little eerie, unnatural, about it. this s common with many of Rosetti's paintings showing several women. Can you see it? They're facing each other, but they're not sharing eye contact, despite other mutually intimate behavior like dancing together.

It could be, I guess, that women were more acculturated to not making eye contact in the late 19th century when this was painted. And yes, they are absorbed in playing musical instruments, and possibly doing more hearing than seeing. But it almost seems that Rosetti himself found the female eye contact and face-to-face communication uncomfortable. Women tend to see themselves as a part of a community of women, and their face-to-face communication can sometimes be almost beyond male comprehension. OR-- maybe they don't actually see it.

Two things that get in the way of men understanding women: First, they're not looking at their faces. (Yes, we know where they're looking. Another way they're obviously hard-wired.) And second, they're not genetically programmed to pick up very well on the clues on faces when they are looking at them. Both of these are strong points for women.

I think it's interesting that babies of either sex seek out faces and direct face-to-face interaction. While this doesn't change much with women, it begins to differentiate in boys at a pretty early age. Historically, at least in England, but also in many cultures over long periods of time, women have been thought to be in the same class as children, needing protection and provision, but not having the necessary intelligence, strength and skills to manage their own lives.

We've changed a lot over time. But we still have the same brains our ancestors had. No wonder we get so confused sometimes. If you follow the Zits cartoon in your daily paper,
http://www.arcamax.com/zits you'll see that teenagers may communicate with their tapping thumbs at the speed of light, but they still don't get how the other thinks.

First Girl: "Do you remember that girl in our kindergarten class with the brown hair?"

Second Girl: "The one who wore the skirt you liked? Yeah."

First Boy: "Do you remember anything about anybody you've seen more than five minutes ago?"

Second Boy: "I'm not even sure if I remember you."

Still different. Still confused. Good thing that in romance, we celebrate the differences, and actually make an effort to figure them out.

A VALENTINE from SANDY BLAIR

My guest today is Sandy Blair, the remarkable author of Scottish Historical Romances such as the recent A HIGHLANDER FOR CHRISTMAS, which I think will become one of my all time favorites.

Sandy is giving us a special Valentine post, with some very interesting Scottish and Medieval Valentine customs.

“Forever Love” is definitely alive and well.

Recently our confirmed bachelor friend Dave Dion married beautiful Cheryl and a happier couple I’ve yet to see.
The intimate wedding chapel they’d chosen for the ceremony was nestled in a small town just north of Clearwater, Florida, the place where they’d met and fallen head over heels.

The ceremony was lovely. The glow from tall cream-colored candles enhanced the bride’s petite blonde beauty, and the father of the bride struggled mightily to hold himself together as he gave his only daughter away. Dave managed to hold back all but one tear as he said his vows. The bride, not nearly as stoic, was thankfully wearing waterproof mascara.

And the best was yet to come.

During their beautiful reception they held a “married couples dance.” The

music started and after a few minutes the MC said, “Will those who’ve been married less than 5 years please leave the dance floor.” This continued at five year intervals. Since Scott and I happened to be celebrating our 39th wedding anniversary, we hung in there for awhile but by the end only one couple remained. Dave’s aunt and uncle, their once strong but now fragile hands entwined between them, their foreheads touching. Grinning like newly weds these octogenarians had recently celebrated their sixty-third wedding anniversary.

Yes, forever love is still alive and well for those who believe and work toward it.

And with Valentine’s Day so close, here’s a few bits of history about the day.


Valentine’s Day has long been a very important day in Scotland. During the Middle Ages Valentine’s Day was greeted with even more anticipation than Christmas. February 14th was not only a time of gift giving, but an excuse for large parties at which single women would write their names on paper hearts and placed them in a bowl. The single men drew a heart/name from the bowl, pinned the heart on his sleeve (hence the saying) and the lady became his Valentine for the week. Rumor has it that many of Cupid’s arrows did hit their mark.

By the 18th century many of the wealthy wore diamond “scribble rings.” Both men and women used them to etched love messages onto their beloved’s window panes.

By 1840 we had commercial Valentine cards and by the 1890s in New York, young women were tying a knot at the end of a long cord and sally forth on Valentine’s Day, gently swatting the young men that caught their fancy. Hence the term “love taps.”

English tradition holds that a girl will know the type of man she’ll marry by the first bird she spies on Valentine’s Day.

Robin...a sailor
Goldfinch or any yellow bird...a wealthy man
Sparrow...a farmer
Any type of blue-colored bird...a happy man
Dove...a loving man
Woodpecker...you will not marry

Wishing each and every one of you a lovely Valentine’s Day!
Sandy

WHO'S THE HERO? Winners

All winners, please email me at contest@dellejacobs.com (PLEASE cut and paste this addy because the link isn't working right) so I can send your prizes to you.

Grand Prize: Kiri Martin
Second Prize: Brooks Teller
Third Prize: Ann Tracy Marr

Gift Certificates:
Martha E
Carol Roddy
Robyn L
Sarah McDermed
Meredith Mix
Jessa Slade

My Favorite Alpha Cop

I'm back from frozen Kentucky now- it was 16 degrees when I arrived, and the very next day reached 62. You can be sure I was happy for that.

I went to Kentucky to be with my son-in-law and family as he graduated from Police Academy. This was a proud occasion for all of us, for a family member of whom we have always been proud. I wish I had a photo of him in his uniform with his new badge, but David is not at all that keen on having his photo shown around. Not even on having his name out where others can see it. So he'll just be David here, and the photos I'll show will not be all that identifiable, nor the information that specific.

Cops come in all different sizes, shapes and personalities, but they also have certain things in common. They get into that line of work for specific reasons, and they do tend to have certain personality characteristics. Many fit the Warrior archetype which romance authors use in novels.

Warriors have been a part of human society forever. They're full of adrenaline and testosterone, these guys, and I noticed a large portion of this class of 42 had military backgrounds. Several came from families in which law enforcement is a tradition.

But it' not all about testosterone. I saw four women in the class, and all four were quite small. But in just looking at them, I had no doubt they could do the job, and they didn't need to play tough to do it. It was clear they had the respect of the entire police force as well as their academy class. I learned a lot about the men just from watching the women. Knowledge, intelligence, good judgment, a sense of fair play, confidence, competence, courage, are all required. They see themselves as protectors, defenders, and they're willing to put everything on the line to do what they need to do. They have an authoritative edge to them, and they're sharp and quick when it comes to making decisions. They're our everyday heroes. Being a hero is their job.

David served in Afghanistan, then later in the Middle East, in both Iraq and the Horn of Africa, in counter-terrorism activities. He's promised to tell me about it when he's finally allowed to talk, but that's not now, so all I can really say is that he was with a Special Forces unit. Note how generic the photo above is- you get no clue of where this scene takes place. But whatever it was he did, in most ways, he loved it, and believed in what he was doing.

So I think it was really hard for him when he had to leave the Army to come and care for his two children. But he's a man who loves his kids and is unwilling to let them do without a good parent.

Enter my daughter (an excellent hero/heroine in her own right because she's never ever one to allow a child or animal to suffer) and her two fabulous boys. The merged family has prospered, and the two lonely, bratty, out-of-control children have turned into delightful, bright, mannerly, yet still somewhat-of-a-handful kids. My daughter's two boys have turned out marvelously well, too, but then they've always been great kids- well-mannered, excellent students, who just don't get into trouble, and are helpful in all regards. It's quite an amazing household in many ways.

At first, civilian life took its toll in adjustment on David. Life must seem pretty tame on this side of the war. Finding a job in which handling a gun is a major skill wasn't easy. What he found required too much traveling, leaving kids too much with their step-mom, when he really needed to be with them. So law enforcement became the goal.

Like most cops, David is one not just because it's something he can do. He does it because it fits who he is. He's the kind of cop we want out there on the street, who's there to defend and protect, and who can do it with intelligence and good judgment. And he can be there for his family, being the father his kids need, giving them the stability and consistency they need to prosper in their lives. Because he's a hero.

Oh, and did I mention he has a great sense of humor? A good trait for Alpha cops. A real necessity for great heroes.

The Heroic Flaw- The Cornerstone of Story Conflict

Even as a kid, I knew Heroes had flaws. I didn't understand why, but I could see them.

Superman- I thought was kind of lame. I didn't believe in his super powers, which I thought were ridiculous, but Kryptonite that could disable him? That was stupid. And what was really obvious was, that wasn't his flaw. His flaw was that he was too afraid to admit he loved Lois Lane. Superman afraid? He was too afraid someone would discover his secret identity. Why? Did he think Clark Kent would lose his job? Come on, the man could have married Lois and they could have had twenty kids. He could protect whole cities, couldn't he? But he couldn't protect his family? He could speed around the planet so fast, he could make the days go backward, and he couldn't protect his loved ones? What a cop out!

Now, the Lone Ranger was different. And besides, he rode Silver. But what the heck was he protecting with his mask? His silver mine? Maybe he thought he'd get arrested for impersonating a Texas Ranger. But at least I could see some mystique to him, and imagine those distant cabins in the hills where he rode off into the sunset to be until he was needed again.

He wasn't afraid of women- not like the guy in blue tights.

Or was he? Maybe he was more like my brothers and just didn't have time for them.

That was a flaw, too. But I think I was starting to get it. A man like TLR was just waiting for the right woman to come along- he just didn't know it yet.

The failure in Superman's flaw, and that of so many other Super Heroes, was that it was external. Kryptonite. It didn't touch the emotions. There was fear, of course, and was really unmanly in my estimation back then. I'm okay with a guy fearing for those he loves, but not when it enervates him. Superman was just using that as an excuse for his real fear- WOMEN. That's, to me, just a guy with muscles. Not a Hero.

I didn't know back then that I was developing my concept of the Romantic Hero, who doesn't need the stupid jumping-tall-buildings stuff to be heroic. But he does need flaws. And he does need to find within himself whatever it takes to overcome them. And he needs a heroine to help him find his strength. Conversely, he needs to do the same for her.

The conflict that makes a romance a riveting read begins with the flaws, continues with the struggle to protect them and the fight against them and culminates with victory over them.

The flaws have to be strong enough and dangerous enough to threaten the outcome of the story. But at the same time, an unheroic flaw can kill a story faster than anything. Back to our Superman/Lone Ranger analogy: He can love his freedom and independence so much, he doesn't want to give up any part of it, but he can't be afraid of women. That's not worth my time. For one thing, a guy like that will never change, and he'll be constantly on the offensive against her, to protect himself. Sort of like the sand box kid who yelled, "Mommie! She hit me back first!"

But I do love a Wounded Hero- because we all are wounded in some way.

Here, I'm using three of the four clips of my skyscraper ad for APHRODITE'S BREW to demonstrate my point. I'm working right now to condense these three into one message for the reverse side of my bookmark, and you'll see why in a minute, as it also demonstrates my premise of flaw as cornerstone to story conflict.

Val in APHRODITE'S BREW is one of those. He has a strong surface. He's re-built his scar into something he knows how to live with. But he doesn't know how to get to the next step, and his experience has taught him he doesn't want to go that far. Here's a man who suffered a serious wound in the form of the wife who never loved him and then betrayed him, leaving him with a legacy and a moral dilemma in the form of a child who wasn't his. Like a lot of men in his time, he had plenty of social skills, but was missing the one about how to love. And like my imaginary vision of the Lone Ranger, he secretly hungered for the woman who knew how to teach him what he was missing.

In this story, both hero and heroine had essentially the same flaw and conflict, but for different reasons. That's unusual, but it worked for me this time. Sylvia understood and had worked through the second step in her grieving process, but had stopped there. I've thought it interesting in reading reviews on this book, that some reviewers didn't recognize that both of them were essentially dealing with significant loss although others did. Often, people who have never suffered losses that were vital to them have a simple solution- Get over it. But most of us know it's simply not that simple. Significant loss of loved ones changes our lives and we have to work through it. That's the real conflict in this story, not the love potion or fear of marriage or anything external.

Are you noticing it's sometimes hard to tell the flaws from the strengths? That's because they really are the same thing. They're like a coin with two sides. On the obverse, the strength is visible, and on the reverse it's the weakness you see. In this case, Val's basic strength is his inner kindness and moral structure. He dealt with the betrayal honorably because he could not do otherwise. But his strength, his honor and morality, made him vulnerable to betrayal and scarred his chance to learn how to love. Will he conquer his weak side by using his strong side? That's the real story question, not just for Val, but for all romance heroes.

Val is no coward. He doesn't just find a way to use his scars. No, he has to challenge them- test to see if he can put himself in the path of danger and repel it. I think there's something in him that knows he has a "weakness", a desire for something he can't identify, that threatens the new autonomy of permanent bachelorhood which he has decided is his solution. So he has to constantly be testing it, flaunting his strength over his weakness, to prove to himself he can't be caught in the marriage trap.

Enter Heroine, Sylvia. Enter Romantic Conflict, the battle to prove Val either right or wrong-- or perhaps both. So in these three clips, you see the story beginning: External clues lead to and showcase the internal conflict, and show you how this battle will be fought:

"An odd blue bottle... A funny-looking locket... A bewitching pair of silver-green eyes... Lead to a sneaky love potion that spells doom to the bachelors of the Ton. Especially the one who thinks he can't be caught."

What do I have there? The famed/cursed Elevator Pitch. The High Concept. The BLURB!

Why? Because it leads straight to the crux of the story, the conflict. And the conflict clearly points to its base, the Heroic Flaw.

Give it a try. You not only can find a strong base for your hero's inner conflict based on his character with its strength and converse weakness, but you quickly get the synthesis of your story into an intriguing short blurb.. Your promo is designed before you even begin!

Gee, I wish I'd known that before I started the story!

CozyUp With Your Favorite Hero

Keta Diablo is with us today to give us her take on heroes and why we love them. She's a marvelous writer, as this review below for her book Decadent Deceptions attests. And right now she's offering a two -for-one deal, which, if I've done my links right, you should be able to find on her website by clicking on her Falling Stars cover to the left. (If you couldn't tell by the cover, it's a post-Civil War story, which puts it at the top of my TBR list.) Or use this link: http://www.ketadiablo.com

"The author writes a delightful love story of long-denied love that culminates in an mixture of mystery and devotion rarely seen. Simply an amazing book."

Cozy Up With Your Favorite Hero
Keta Diablo

Statistics tells us the majority of romance readers are women, so it stands to reason the majority of heroes in romance novels are alpha males. You know, those strong, heart-throbbing, larger-than-life men who are anything but ordinary. The more tortured they are, the more the heroine and the readers fall in love with him. And yet, the best-loved hero will have a few minor faults or weaknesses that a gifted author will capitalize on. Who can resist a man that shows kindness and patience to animals, children or his mother and, contrarily, can wield a sword with the utmost precision, out-ride, out-shoot and pummel his enemies to death in the blink of an eye?

Character faults in our hero intrigues readers and encourages them to stick around to find out if the heroine will still love him as the layers are peeled away. More importantly, will the hero realize his vulnerabilities and come to terms with them? If he grows and changes from the beginning of the book to the end, the author has done a fine job in this regard.

Yes, we want our hero to be handsome, tall and financially secure, but there must be some mystery thrown into the package, some measure of susceptibility in order to make him real. And humor never hurts. I’ve always admired the hero who laughs at himself, or offers a witty retort while staring down the face of death. For me, this does not detract from his manliness, but enhances it.

We all love our Sheiks, our Highland warriors and take-no-prisoner mercenaries, but we love them more if once in a while they fall off their horse or trip over their own feet while chasing down the villain, don’t we?

I know I do. Give me a hero who is confident enough to own up to his shortcomings, laugh in the most dire situations and comfort a bereaved child, and I’ll ride off into the sunset with him any old time . . . white charger or not.

Happy reading and may all your heroes make your heart thrum!

Keta Diablo writes for Phaze, Siren Publishing, Ravenous Romance and Noble Romance. If you would like to read about some of her heroes, please visit her web site at http://www.ketadiablo.com and sign her guestbook or drop her an e-mail at ketadiablo@yahoo.com. She loves to hear from readers.

CONTEST! WHO'S THE HERO?

Big day Tuesday! It's the release of APHRODITE'S BREW in print! In celebration, I've got a fun contest for you- a sort of Treasure Hunt: WHO'S THE HERO?


GRAND PRIZE: Sterling silver hand crafted Art Nouveau style pendant by Tom Hakins, a hand-dyed silk scarf, and a $5 gift certificate to Samhain's My Bookstore and More
SECOND PRIZE: Choice of sterling silver Celtic earrings and hand-dyed silk scarf and $5 gift certificate to My Bookstore and More
THIRD PRIZE: Hand-dyed scarf and #2 gift certificate to My Bookstore and More
FIVE ADDITIONAL PRIZES: $2 Gift Certificates to My Bookstore and More

THE CONTEST

Below are some engravings and paintings, some in the form of book covers I've designed for other authors. Each of them poses the same question:

WHO'S THE HERO?

First, the blog comments: Comment in the blog on any of the pictures. Short or long, serious, funny or off-the-wall, one word or fifty, all answers are right, as long as they pertain to the subject. Each answer earns you one chance in the drawing.

Don't want to comment? No problem. Skip this step and go to the next one.

Second, the treasure hunt:(And don't mix these two steps up) Click on each picture's title, which is a link to a different place. (Some of these might require signing up, like MySpace or Facebook, so if you can't or won't do this, email me and I'll give you a different opportunity.)

You can do as much or as little as you want, but the more you do, the more chances you get. Each link you complete will give you five more chances in the drawing. Somewhere on that page you'll find my answer (not the right answer, just mine.). HINT: It will say: "ANSWER #__. . ." DO NOT POST THIS ANSWER ON THE BLOG like you did your comments! Instead, copy the first three words of MY answer into an email to me, then do the same for the others, using the addy below:
contest@dellejacobs.com

You must use a valid email address. It will not be shared with anyone else, but I may very occasionally use it to notify you of future releases. No, no newsletter. No Yahoo groups. No constant bombardments of any kind. I hate them and I'm too lazy to use them myself.

Deadline: midnight Feb. 9th, and one entry only, please (but you can add on answers if you haven;t done all of them). A drawing will determine the winners, who will be announced on February 10th.

Ready? Here it is! Click on the pictures for an enlargement.

#1: You have lots of choices here. This is "Lorenzo and Isabella", by John Everett Millais, who did not perhaps intend for any of these guys shown to be a hero in our sense of the word. But if you were writing this story, WHO'S THE HERO?


#2: An interesting body language question here, in "The Last Dance- Mine, I Think?", by J. Haynes Williams, which made into the cover design of Janice Susan May's SECOND CHANCE. What do you think: WHO'S THE HERO?













#3, the beginnings of a cover design. It comes from John Pettie's "Two Strings to Her Bow", named after an English country saying, meaning a girl who is possibly playing one beau against another.

But WHO'S THE HERO? If you were writing the story, which one would you choose? And while you're at it, would you do something about her cocky attitude?








#4: "The Dispute", an early half-tone print after the picture by Friedrich Kaemmerer.

Again, WHO'S THE HERO? The guy with the broken chair leg for a weapon? His adversary, who is being roughly escorted away? Or...?






And #5: "The End of the Song", by Edmund Blair Leighton. Give this one some thought. This is an interpretation of the Tristan and Isolde story from the King Arthur legends.

WHO'S THE HERO? Is that fellow stroking his beard perhaps King Mark, the man Isolde is affianced to marry?

Some say this is Arthur, Guinevere and Lancelot, but probably not. If it were-- would you choose differently?

REMEMBER, DON'T POST the Treasure Hunt answers! Email them to me instead.

Ready? Then go back to the pictures and start playing! Good fortune to you!